Josh CartmellFront-End Engineer Posts

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Prologue

As I have walked the multiverse I have experienced many happenings. I have seen into the hearts of stars. I have understood the minds of beings so alien that should you ever see them you would risk madness. Time is a frothing tide and space a vast span, together they form a continuum so incredible you cannot hope to comprehend.

Even I, great and well traveled though I am, have only recorded a small, insignificant amount. I have experienced, far far more than you can imagine. Although if all there is is a proverbial bucket, and I can assure you it is not, I haven't even seen a drop, not one iota. At times that saddens me, how can The Record of record be so woefully incomplete. But mostly it excited me, The Record of record is incomplete and there is so much to do.

I am getting a little behind myself though, let me introduce me. I have gone by many names: John, Jacob, Josh, Terroir, The Record, Amy, Elsa, and some others too embarrassing to relate, for example rat boy. As I have stated below I record things, so for today you can call me The Record, or Billette, but definitely not rat boy, rat infested mullet, or anything else having to do with rats or mullets. Billette is pronounced "bee yet" but we both know you're going to continue rhyming it with a particular brand of razor. I have a pet, Moose. Moose is a dog, not a large deer, and like many dogs he is a good boy; I can actually say with certainty that Moose is the best boy. Parentheses are my favorite punctuation. I don't enjoy walks on the beach, the sand tends to irritate my skin. I like cooking and eating and cheese and well now I'm boring you aren't I? Let me get back to something that will interest you.

You may be wondering how one becomes The Record. It is a tale tall and storied, winding and weaponized, full of illogical combinations of two and two. It is the story of my birth and rebirth. A tale so full of sadness and silliness that you would sigh and cry, laugh and likely fall in love if you heard it. It is complex and nuanced, so much so that you would surely have to hear it twice to remember less than half of it. While I am flattered you feel that way, that is my story and I am not sharing it here, maybe on the second date.

Now I am here to tell you a story, it is one I do think you will like. If my credentials above haven't convinced you of my credibility you can stop here. At times you may have trouble believing, trouble conceiving. That is understandable, your mind is limited. But I assure you I do not, I cannot embellish. I would not embezzle your time with fancies and falsehoods. Really if you doubt the veracity of anything I've said, please do stop here. In fact by continuing to read you agree that everything this far and herein is factual, that I, Billette, have not lied, that you will enjoy this, etc… and blah blah blah. This represents the complete agreement between the parties and will be bound by the laws of the state of Delewhere. If Delewhere cannot be found, ceases to exist or is otherwise unable to perform the binding you delegate responsibility to me to select an arbiter from Zort, well versed in all laws, natural and unnatural. I have been advised that I must advise you that if you've had trouble understanding any of the foregoing you should seek the advice of an attorney, or possibly a librarian. Now that that is out of the way let's get started!